it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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