My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
