I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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