I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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