I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
