I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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