Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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