I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
