it's too hot outside to masturbate.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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