all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
