I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Acid is not a monday night drug
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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