Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
