I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Less talking, more tequila
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
