im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
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