In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
