??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
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