just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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