it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Randomize
