Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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