i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Randomize
