So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
