You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I need a burrito and a hug.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
