who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
