Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Randomize
