this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
