My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
