you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
