This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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