Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
