Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
