it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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