I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
