I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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