I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
