I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
