that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
