The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
