Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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