At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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