I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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