New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
