Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
