can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
