Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
