Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
