i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
