I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
