You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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