Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
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