Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
the liver wants what the liver wants
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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