I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
